To Make Tough Conversations Productive, Focus On These 3 Things
We spend most of our time with people who see things largely like we do. They work in similar industries, have similar educations and live in similar places. When confronted with areas of disagreement, we can usually bullshit our way through it and keep the peace. That’s how we normally go through life.
Yet difficult conversations conversations are sometimes unavoidable. There are fundamental differences in values and perspectives as well as issues surrounding identity and status that underlie and shape every professional and personal relationship. At some point these need to be addressed in order to move forward with any ability to function effectively.
The good news is that there are sound evidence-based principles for how to have difficult conversations and resolve them in a positive way. Three strategies include identifying a shared values, addressing status dynamics, and matching the conversation the other person wants to have. Mastering these concepts will help you lead, collaborate, and connect.
1. What’s The Shared Value?
Humans naturally form tribes. In a study of adults that were randomly assigned to “leopards” and “tigers,” fMRI studies noted hostility to out-group members. Similar results were found in a study involving five year-old children and even in infants. Evolutionary psychologists attribute this tendency to kin selection, which explains how groups favor those who share their attributes in the hopes that those attributes will be propagated.
Our ideas, beliefs and values tend to reflect the tribes we belong to and sharing our thoughts and feelings plays a key role in signaling our identity and belonging to these groups. For instance, expressing an expert opinion can demonstrate alignment with a professional community, while sharing a moral stance can signal inclusion in a particular cultural group.
When we talk about something we’re passionate about, we want to focus on how it’s different, because that’s what makes us passionate in the first place and we want to signal our inclusion in a tribe while we do it. We say things like “As a so-and-so I think this and that,” and immediately set up a standoff in which only one tribe can dominate. That never ends well.
Fortunately, there’s a better way. Rather than starting from a point of difference, identify a shared value that unites you—something that places both of you in the same tribe. By establishing some common ground, it becomes much easier to navigate areas of dissension and disagreement.
That’s more difficult than it sounds, because we have an innate need to signal our identity and status. Developing the discipline to consistently start with shared values requires conscious effort, but you’ll be amazed at how much more effective it will make you.
2. What Status Are They Trying To Assert?
In The Status Game, science reporter Will Storr explores how we pursue status by playing three primary “games,” prestige, dominance, and virtue. By demonstrating competence, asserting force of will, or upholding high moral standards, we signal to others the roles we aspire to, helping them understand how to relate to us.
The drive to assert status often lies at the core of difficult conversations. Status driven conflicts arise when someone seeks recognition for a status that others do not acknowledge, or when they fail to recognize the status that you or others believe is deserved. Resolving these issues is key to coming to a constructive resolution.
The reason why status is so important is that it signals to others—and ourselves—where we fit in. If, for example, we feel we’ve earned a certain status in the workplace, then that affords us certain rights and responsibilities. In much the same way, ceding dominance to someone else gives them power over us and asserting our virtue gives us moral standing.
In addition to identifying shared values, it’s essential to consider the underlying issues of status before approaching a difficult conversation. Ask yourself: What status are they trying to assert that feels offensive to me? At the same time, be honest with yourself about the status you’re trying to assert and reflect on why they might be unwilling to acknowledge it.
3. What Type Of Conversation Do They Want To Have?
Another key approach to having effective conversations is to match and respond to others’ mind states. In Supercommunicators, bestselling author Charles Duhigg explains that there are three types of conversations: Those about facts and analysis (“What’s this about?”), those about emotions (How do we feel?) and those about identity (Who are we?).
Duhigg explains the concept with a situation many will recognize. Sometimes he would arrive home from work with some complaint and tell his wife about it. His wife would respond with some type of fact-based analysis of the situation, which he found annoying. What he really needed was for her to understand his frustration, (How do I feel?), not practical advice (What’s this about?).
We tend to approach difficult conversations by carefully preparing what we want to say. We sometimes rehearse in our heads so that we choose our words carefully and deliver them precisely. Yet that often backfires because the conversation we plan for doesn’t align with the one the other person is ready to have and falls on deaf ears.
So rather than preparing for one conversation, we need to prepare for three: one rational, one emotional and one that affirms an identity. By recognizing which type of conversation the other person is ready to have, we can tailor our approach to meet their needs, making it far more likely that the discussion will be productive.
Letting The Fly Out Of The Bottle
We all need to have difficult conversations from time to time and navigating them successfully is a key skill for any leader. If you can’t resolve thorny issues, they will fester and grow more destructive over time. On the other hand, tackling them effectively can strengthen relationships and build trust.
The best way to approach difficult conversations is to think about why they’re difficult in the first place. What conflicting values are at stake? What role does the desire to assert status play? How can we best align the conversation with the other person’s state of mind? It’s worth taking a few minutes to think through these issues before engaging.
But even more importantly, you need to think about why you want to have the conversation. Is there a specific issue to be resolved or are you trying to assert your own identity and status? What are you trying to achieve? What do you expect a positive outcome to look like? How do you want the other person to feel when it’s over? How do you expect to feel?
At the core of all this lies psychological safety, which is rooted in a sense of belonging. By creating bonds based on shared values and purpose, affirming others’ sense of status and identity and doing our best to align with the type of conversation that others want to have, we can build deeper, more honest and collaborative relationships that will help us achieve more.
Greg Satell is Co-Founder of ChangeOS, a transformation & change advisory, an international keynote speaker, host of the Changemaker Mindset podcast, bestselling author of Cascades: How to Create a Movement that Drives Transformational Change and Mapping Innovation, as well as over 50 articles in Harvard Business Review. You can learn more about Greg on his website, GregSatell.com, follow him on Twitter @DigitalTonto, his YouTube Channel and connect on LinkedIn.
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